Here Without You

-by- TESLians..

11:15, Friday, 2nd July 2010..


…..Sometimes the memories are worth the pain….

..
I’m here without you, baby..
But you’re still on my lonely mind..
I think about you, baby..
And I dream about you all the time..

..
..

Tears rolling. Eyes swollen. Everything seemed to be repeating its way.. Round and round, and I don’t feel like it’s stopping. I adjusted my seat, inhaling a deep breath while biting my lips. I tried to held back the tears. Honestly I tried. I do. I did. But it won’t stop running. I tried looking away, my vision blurred—eyes welled with tears. My heart ached. My head spun. I covered my mouth with my hands, sobbing.

..i missed him..

I really do.

Great. Now the tears rolled down again. I really hated myself for remembering the past. It’s hard to forget. It’s his smile I couldn’t seem to forget. He has—had the most beautiful smile that could light up my whole world. And he still could do that when I only thought about him. Every time he curved up his lips, I could feel my problems washed away. Gone. I wiped the tears away and smiled a bitter smile, looking at the empty road. See? He does have effects on me.

..you’re still on my lonely mind..

I have to move on. I really have to. I don’t wanna wake up and remembering him—and then I’ll start crying again. I hate myself when I cried. It makes me weak. I don’t cry often because he hated seeing me crying—it makes his life jumble, he said. But he said once that it isn’t wrong crying yourself out. He said that he’ll be anywhere near me when I cried, so that he could be my handkerchief—to wipe the tears on my face. So he could wash away the pain I’m suffering. He promised me that. So much of a promise.. I rubbed my cheek. Wet. I’m crying again and I didn’t even realize it.

..and I dreamt about you all the time..

I’m empty. So empty you couldn’t feel heartbeat on my chest. So empty you could see my once smiling happy face turned to be a frown. So empty that I missed him so much. I was getting everyone worried by acting this way. That’s why I never cried in front of them. I am a strong woman. I don’t cry. But I can’t help it. I just can’t.

And it’s all because of him.

I got up slowly. It;s hard to get up when you're fat..

I think I need a stroll.

A stroll around the neighborhood would be fine.

I sniffed and took a deep breath, turning back to the door, wanting to tell my mom that I wanted to have a stroll outside.

I called her once. “Ma!”

I smiled hearing the soft reply from her inside the house. Looking at her, I felt sick again. Sick as in wanting to puke because I think I wanted to cry again. Stop it Insyirah. You have to be strong. I tell myself. And that is how I survived until today. My eyes eyed the lady in brown in front of me. She came to me hurriedly with a frown plastered on her face.

“What’s wrong dear?” she asked me.

I shook my head. “Nothing ma. I need a stroll. Just around the neighborhood.”

I saw her stiffened, and her lips quivered. My brows arched. “Can I?” I asked.

Suddenly she crushed me into a bear hug. She took my breath away—I felt drowned.

“Ma..” my voice broke—choked with tears.

My mom rubbed my back, and I couldn’t help to hug her tighter. It’s hard hugging people when you carried a very big stomach with you.

“Ma..” I wailed.

She pulled away, and caressed my cheek.

“It’s going to be okay. Remember Allah, dear.. ” She tried to smile although it hardly seemed to be a smile. But she tried anyway. And it looked bitter.

She wiped my tears. “Wait a second. I’ll go with you. We’ll take a stroll around the neighbourhood okay?” she patted my shoulder and hurriedly went back inside.

I smiled looking at her fading figure. I rubbed my bloated tummy.

“It’s okay honey.. Mama is fine.. We’re going to have a walk..” my voice broke.

“Nenek is going to accompany us.. Isn’t it great?” I whispered.

“Do you miss papa?” I rubbed my tummy. “Mama misses him too.” I smiled.

..
..
..

I miss you. I named our son Mohammad Badil Ehsan. He has your beautiful smile.
And everytime I looked at him, I remembered you. It doesn’t surprise me when everything of him resembles you.
I’ll grow him just as the way you wanted him to. I promised you that.
I’ll teach him to be a good son, just as you are. To be a good husband, as you are. I know that HE loves you more that HE takes you away. I prayed for you always.


Ikmal, I really miss you.


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